24 Hours in the Life of ER
by starryjen
Summary: What if we’d got it all wrong, a slightly surreal look at ER at the end, will include past and present members of the ER, takes place sometime after Photographs and Memories
1. Promo Clip

What if we'd got it all wrong, a slightly surreal look at ER at the end. I've got a good idea where I'm going with this, but it might be slow, as its going to take a bit of research (bless, isn't the internet a wonderful thing!), but here's the preview. In this bit _italics_ indicates something happening as opposed to speech.

**Television Promo**

_ER theme tune plays in the background _

The most famous hospital in the world

_The ER logo appears on the screen_

The doctors and nurses we all dream of being treated by

_Images of various cast members, past and present flash across the screen (Mark, Benton, Jeanie, Lydia, Ross, Carol,_ _Malucci_,_ Corday, Lewis, Romano, Carter, Chen, Gallant, Weaver, Kovac, Abby, Haleh, Pratt, Morris, Ray, Chuny, Sam, Neela, Gates)_

The patients we wish we had been

The time has come to say goodbye

_Giant 25__th__ June 2008 flashes up_

24 hours in the life of ER

Then the doors finally close to the cameras

Don't miss it!


	2. TV Quick Review

Disclaimer: I don't own ER.  
The idea for this story came to me as I woke up this morning, it's a bit different to anything I've done before, but I know where I want to go with it, so it's just the writing that will take a while! Its going to be a bit of a mix of reviews, interviews, message boards, and real life drama.

**Review from TV Quick Magazine**

The time has come to say goodbye to ER. After 14 years of medical emergencies, traumas, full-scale catastrophes, not to mention deaths, births and marriages, the last show will be broadcasting on June 25th 2008.

Millions of viewers from around the world tune in weekly to see the latest from the world's longest running fly on the wall documentary. Based in Chicago's County General hospital the daily lives of these good doctors and nurses has been essential viewing for over a decade. These doctors and nurses have embedded themselves in our psyche, for some they are more a part of their lives than their own families, but not for much longer. Over the last few months the ratings have fallen and the television executives have decided to call it a day, but what a way to end.

It's always been stipulated in their contracts that the doctors and nurses can't talk to the media and those who have, well they've found themselves looking for work elsewhere. In an unprecedented move, over the next two weeks, they will be airing interviews (_8pm_) with some of the past and present ER employees, followed by a two hour trip to the ER every evening (_an unconfirmed_ _rumour states that these interviews will include Dr's Carter, Barnett, Lockhart, Pratt, Rasgotra, and Nurse Hathaway, but we'll have to wait and see_).

The final show, June 25th, is being broadcast live from the hospital from 10pm until 10pm on the 26th. The producers state that there will be no news, no breaks, just ER for a solid 24 hours. We will finally see the truth behind the editing of what really happens in the ER, so book a day's holiday for June 26th and make sure your TV recorder is working, you really don't want to miss this.

Yes, you heard it here first folks, the final 24 hours of ER, June 25th!

Rating: 5 Stars (_not to be missed_)


	3. Interview Neela Rasgotra

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I**n the first of a multi part interview, Dr Neela Rasgotra talks about coming to terms with life in front of the cameras, her marriage to Dr Gallant, her relationships with Dr's Barnett and Gates, and on what it's like to be on the receiving end of death threats.**

_Her long dark hair is shining as the studio lights bounce off it. She sits upright in the chair, her arms carefully crossed across her body. She's wearing a pale cream top and simple black skirt. The scars, one of the visible reminders of her accident can be seen on both her face and legs, but they do not degrade her beauty._

**Do you find the cameras intrusive?**

When I first started at County, I didn't know what to expect. Despite what they say, despite having watched it, you don't realise how hard it is to live your life in front of the cameras. When you sign your contract you understand that the cameras will be everywhere at work, but you don't quite realise that they'll be permanently in your home, and that when you're out they'll be there too. There is no let off. Its 24/7. I found it really hard at the start, I'm quite a reserved person and carrying out all my personal business in front of the camera, god, even Ray finds that hard and he's used to performing in front of audiences, for someone like me it's so painful.

The work aspect isn't so bad, wherever you work there are people there to scrutinise what you do, the only difference at County is that there are a few million more of them. It's strange though, if something goes wrong in a procedure you find yourself watching to see where you went wrong, but never when it concerns your personal life, you'd be permanently regretting everything you did.

_With her right hand she tucks a lose strand of hair behind her ear_

I suppose I was lucky with my personal life when I first started. With Michael, they weren't allowed to invade his privacy as much; the army were a lot stricter about what he could sign his name to, national security they said. It meant that the first night we were together there were no cameras, and no one knew, which was how I wanted it to be. But there was no privacy at the flat when he came to stay; I was mortified to think my parents could be watching, but it's strange after a while you forget that they're there. Some people really freak out about that invasion, they normally last a few weeks and then disappear, and you can't blame them.

**Michael proposed, and you agreed to marry him that day, do you regret being that impulsive?**

I honesty don't know why I said yes to Michael, I got caught up in the moment, he made me feel like a princess, and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I was feeling scared about how Ray was making me feel; I thought there was no way he would be interested in me, so I went for the safe, steady option, the person who would always be there for me, how wrong could I be?

**You continued to live with Ray for a couple of months after Michael went back to Iraq, why did you move out?**

Michael and I had been married for less than a month when he decided to go back. I ended up spending the first few months of my married life with my roommate. I was doing things with Ray that I should have been doing with Michael, and I was feeling for Ray what I should have been feeling for Michael. It all came to a head one week where we'd been on the same shift, he made me stay up every night to watch horror films, I spent most of them with my head buried in his shoulder trying not to see, and we'd end up falling asleep on the couch, together.

Michael called me that week. If he was at the base they watched it, all the guys knew I was his wife and teased him mercilessly about it. He asked what was going on, he was so upset, it was completely innocent, nothing happened, but I knew I wanted it to, it was then I realised I had to leave before I gave into how I felt.

There was one thing I could never do and that was start something with Ray in that situation, god, I'd fallen in love with him that was bad enough, but I couldn't act on it. Imagine what it would be like for Michael, he really was quite religious about watching if he could, he said it made me seem closer, can you imagine him sitting there watching me kiss Ray, or worse his mates seeing it and telling him about it later? I couldn't run the risk of that happening, the way I felt it was only a matter of time before something happened and to make it worse I was terrified in case I _did_ do something, and Ray didn't feel the same.

_She looks wistfully into the distance_

It made me feel even worse that I couldn't tell Ray why I was going but I knew they would show it if I did and again I couldn't risk Michael finding out, I'd made a commitment to him, I had to honour it. It was bad enough the night I moved out that Ray said what he said, there was him telling me that he felt the same way I felt and I couldn't do anything. I would have given anything to be able to hold him, kiss him, even just tell him why I was going, but there was no way I could do that. I still feel guilty about it. I blame myself for Michael not coming home, I know its stupid but perhaps if he'd thought I loved him enough he'd have been more careful.

**Michael's death was a great shock to everyone; do you think you handled it well?**

The day they told me, that had to be one of my worst moments, I begged them not to show it, and I thought the army would object, but no, their rules only applied while he was alive. I hated everyone at that moment, poor Ray got the brunt of it, I wasn't specifically telling him to leave me alone, it was everybody, I wanted time and privacy to grieve but they wouldn't give me that. I really considered leaving then, I think it was the closest I came to going, but County is like my family and I needed them, I just didn't need the cameras. If I could have turned them off I would.

_She raises her eyes to the ceiling and blinks rapidly_

I ended up having to push Ray away, I felt rotten, all I wanted was for him to hold me and comfort me, and take some of the pain away, but I got called in with the producers and the police, it was the strangest situation, they never did that, you never spoke to them, but on this occasion they called me to them. Michael's death had resulted in a huge amount of mail going to the television company, most of it compassionate, sympathetic; we never got to read the correspondence from fans so it was strange to see; but some of this stuff was awful, blaming me for Michael's death, saying that I'd been sleeping with Ray and he'd found out and had let himself be killed. There was stuff from one guy, death threats, that the police were taking pretty seriously, they even posted a policeman outside my apartment, saying that if Ray and I got together now, he would kill me, talking about it now it seems extreme and almost unreal, but at the time that was the life I was living. They said I had to cool it with Ray, so though he was what I wanted, needed more than anything to get through that time; I had to push him away. I started drinking quite heavily, I knew it wasn't smart and its not the way to cope, but I'd just lost my husband, I had to reject my best friend, and some guy was threatening to kill me, I think that's cause enough to slip of the rails a bit, not that I'm excusing my behaviour.

_Her attempts to stop the tears are failing and one trickles down her cheek_

**Was Dr Gates a crutch like the drinking?**

In a way, yes he was, Tony was there when I desperately needed someone to listen to me and hold me, I was grieving for Michael, Ray was out of my reach, Abby was caught up with Joe, there wasn't a lot of choice. Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy and we had fun, but I think I got carried away in the moment with him, there were no feelings involved; it was purely physical and fun and that was what I needed.

The police finally caught the guy, he pleaded guilty, and it was all hushed up, but I felt I'd pushed Ray away too much, that it wasn't fair for me to keep toying with his affections, and that I needed something simple; with Ray it never was going to be simple, the feelings were too strong for both of us.

**How did you feel when you and Ray finally kissed?**

_She smiles, her face is full of love and her voice has softened_

The kiss, god, the kiss. I didn't expect it, I mean I knew he had feelings for me, don't get me wrong, I would have to be stupid not to know that, and we'd started to put all the bad stuff behind us, we were rebuilding our friendship, but I wasn't expecting that. It was... magical, I don't think I've ever been kissed like that before. But it wasn't the right time I was still with Tony. I don't cheat. Must be something to do with my ethical alarm system that Ray keeps going on about, but it's the one thing I don't condone. That's why I was so upset when I found out about Meg, it wasn't right what Tony was doing, but what I was doing with Tony wasn't right either, I knew he felt a hell of a lot more for me than I did for him, but I needed someone and he was it. I didn't know how I would have coped without him there to support me. But that kiss made me see how much more there could be, I just regret that it took me so long to realise it.

**More from Neela over the next two weeks. Tomorrow, another County General employee reveals all...**

_**Next...ER**_


	4. Interview Carol Hathaway

Disclaimer: Still don't own ER! Not so happy with this one, but I wanted a bit of variety, I have to go back a long time to remember what Carol was like, so I'm not sure I've got her personality right. Review please (am becoming a review junkie!) 

**Tonight's ER interview is with nurse Carol Hathaway, who served County General for over six years, but left to join her husband the delectable Dr Doug Ross in Seattle.**

I've been gone more years than I was there, that's a weird thought isn't it? The only doctor I still know is Abby, I kind of always keep an eye out for her, and she's sort of living my dream for me. She's done so well, not many of us nurses make the transition, there can be quite a lot of animosity between the doctors and nurses, so it's a pretty big achievement. Its something I considered doing, I even took my MCAT exams, but I couldn't get up the courage to take that next step. So like I was saying, I hardly know anyone at County now, but that doesn't mean that I don't understand what it's like for them. God, in the first screening, I was the patient, I'd taken an overdose, it's a long complicated story, and it seems an over the top reaction now. I have to say that having the cameras on you in that situation feels like such an invasion of privacy when you think about it now, but at the time I couldn't care less; in the greater scheme of things it wasn't important.

I've always felt that the nurses at County, actually probably any hospital, are the unsung heroes, it makes me smile that Haleh's still there, I remember saying to Dr Benton back when they first started to record us that she 'may not be able to cross clamp an aorta, but she has over twenty years experience in emergency medicine and if you would step of your pedestal maybe you would realise its' the nurses that make this place run', these days you could change that to over thirty years experience, but the rest is still true. The nurses do so much that you don't see, it's just not so glamorous as what the doctors and surgeons do, that's all, but they're what make the ER tick.

Even though so much is still the same an awful lot has changed at County since my time there. I think the most devastating thing to watch was Mark's death, he and Doug were really close, so when Elizabeth rang to tell us, we were so stunned, its just not right that someone that good, and caring could be taken away like that, in such a painful manner. I found it very moving that he allowed the cameras to be there at the end, you imagine that you would feel so angry that this was happening to you, that you would just want to push them away, but he didn't, and I think it was an eye opener for a lot of the viewers.

Personally, I think the cameras have become more invasive, I don't remember so much of my personal life being on show, perhaps I'm just looking at it through rose tinted glasses, but I'm sure they didn't show it to the same extent as they do now. I feel sorry, for Abby, Luka, Pratt, Ray and Neela because everything they do is dissected in public. Perhaps that's the difference, the media attention is a lot more intense. If they so much as look at each other the wrong way it's a news headline the next day. God, when Neela's husband died I heard people at the pharmacy discussing whether she was grieving enough, and wondering about how quickly she would get together with Ray, they were talking about it like it was a soap opera! It was never that bad when I was there. I remember there was some speculation when Doug and I got married and then when he left, but that was minor compared to how it would be today. They say the Internets a wonderful thing but I'm not so sure when it comes to this.

My life? It's hard to believe but the twins are 10 this year, I know so much time as passed. We're still living in our beautiful home, by the water, though Doug seems to spend half his live travelling the world as his alter ego George Clooney, being in front of the cameras at County certainly changed his career aspirations! But when he's at home its just like it was when the girls and I first joined him there. He's loving, teasing, joking, and still pretty fine to look at!


	5. Interview Abby Lockhart

**Disclaimer: Still don't own ER. Do you think I would have let that happen if I did! Sorry to take a while to update, real life's been butting in, and I wasn't sure where I was going to go with this until yesterday when inspiration struck while I waited for my car to be fixed.

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**

**Today's interviewee is Dr Abigail Lockhart. We first met Abby when she was an OB nurse in 1999, since then she's trained and qualified as a doctor, married Luka and has a young son, Joe. The last year has been traumatic for all the staff at County, Abby is one of those who has suffered the most, tonight she tells us about that fateful day, a year ago.**

_The woman in the chair, looks pale and uncomfortable, she fidgets with her long, dark hair and toys with the ring on a chain around her neck. Her face is lined with pain, lines that weren't there a year ago, and if you look carefully you can see the grey strands which mix through her dark hair._

**Tell us about that day?**

That day? There's only one 'that day' for me. 17 May 2007. With everything that had happened earlier that year, the shooting, Joe's premature birth, the trouble with Ames, I thought there couldn't be much else for life to throw at me, in fact, after the wedding, everything was looking brighter, I was actually looking forward to the future, it turned out that I was wrong to. The night before Luka had a phone call from his father telling him he was in hospital, he arranged to fly out on the 17th.

Neela rang me before I went on duty, she was really upset, she'd just been to see Ray, had found about his accident, and injuries, and he'd basically pushed her away. I was stunned by what she was saying; my heart went out to her, and to him. She wasn't on duty that day, but she'd agreed to go to an anti-war march with a patient; she was so upset about Ray that she didn't want to go, but she'd made a promise so she was going. I told her I had to go, but that I'd call in on my way home to check how she was doing.

I started at 3pm. We were short staffed, as usual, even more so though because of Ray's accident, not that anyone else knew about that yet. We received a 911 call at 3.21, telling us that a bomb had gone off at the anti-war march - my first thought was for Neela's safety - it told us that there were mass casualties and we should expect the first to arrive soon. The ER was put on the second highest level of alert, the highest is reserved for incidents within the ER, we'd had our fair share of those in my time, or highly contagious diseases. The highest closes our doors; the second highest calls all the doctors and nurses in, whether they're on duty or not, it sends patients with non-urgent injuries and illnesses home. We desperately tried to clear the trauma, treatment and waiting rooms, stocked up on supplies, made sure we had enough blood stocks. The casualties started to roll in around 3.30; these were the serious injuries, the ones who couldn't wait, those who had life or death injuries, those who could be moved. Those with more minor injuries started to appear soon after, to start their long vigils in the waiting area. It was manic, so many terrible injuries, the bomb had blown windows out so there were lots of shrapnel wounds, lacerations, facial injuries, as well as broken bones, head traumas, internal damage. I think it was around 4.30 that they brought Neela in; I hadn't had a second to try and contact her, or even to wonder if she was okay, after that first moment. The paramedic was the guy Gates used to work with, I can't remember his name, but he had recognised her, God knows how. She was a mess, they said that she was pretty close to the centre of the blast; it had taken them that long to be able to move her, she was lucky to have made it this far. There was so much blood. She wasn't breathing. Tony started doing compressions; we shocked her four times before we got her back, and she still wasn't stable.

_Her hands are clenching and unclenching on her lap, she's visibly shaking and there is an audible tremor in her voice._

We were desperately trying to work out where the blood was coming from, she had so many lacerations, many of them more like stab wounds than cuts, we were struggling to assess her for internal damage because of all the blood, we needed to find out where it was coming from before she bled out. I was very distressed, so much so that Pratt sent me out of the trauma room; he said I was too involved. God, of course I was, we all were, she's like a little sister to me, she'd been through so much that year, and for it to end like this. He sent me out, told me to contact her next of kin, so I left her in the hands of her husband's best friend and her ex lover, talk about being too involved.

Admin were being difficult as usual, they couldn't understand the seriousness of the matter, it took them half an hour to find Neela's file while I paced the hall. I was shaking as I rifled through it, and then I found the piece of paper I was looking for. My breath caught in my throat, the name beside the words Next of Kin was Dr Michael Gallant. She'd never changed it after he died. I looked further, but there was no number for her parents anywhere, and I had to assume they were her next of kin. I went back to the ER to check her belongings, hoping that her cell would be there, but there was nothing; she'd obviously lost them when the bomb went off.

_Her hand pushes a loose strand of hair behind her ear, a nervous gesture._

I didn't know what else to do, Tony didn't know anything; her file was more than useless; I had to ring Ray. I didn't want to, he'd been through so much, I didn't want to make it worse for him, but I had to, he was my last hope, he'd been her best friend, her roommate, he might just know. It was around 7 by now, they were getting ready to take her to the OR to try and stop the bleeding, if they could get her stable enough to operate, and do what they could with the damage to her internal organs. I desperately needed to contact her parents.

**Flashback**

She went to the staff room; this was a call to be made in private. Her hands were shaking as she got her cell out of her locker. She looked at it for what seemed like an age, not able to find the words she needed to make the call. Eventually she dialled his number, and he answered, it sounded as if he was in a moving vehicle.

'Ray, honey, its Abby'

'Abby, what can I do for you?' his voice sounded pained and unsteady, she couldn't imagine the pain and grief he was currently feeling, and she was about to make it worse.

'A bomb's gone off at the anti-war march here…' she paused she couldn't say the words. He didn't say anything. She took a deep breath '…Ray, honey, this is a strange question I know, but I was wondering if you had a phone number for Neela's parents?' He still didn't say anything, but she could hear the question in his breath 'It's just, she never updated her file, it still says Michael is her next of kin, her bag wasn't brought in with her…' her voice trailed off again, she knew she was rambling, trying to say, without saying it, that it wasn't possible to just ask Neela for the number.

'Yeah… I think I've still got it in my cell, give me a second…' he went silent again. She didn't think she'd ever heard him speak with so much distress in his voice. '…it's 00 44…'

'Thanks' at least she could now make that call, but she knew the current one wasn't over yet.

'Abby… is she… how bad… how bad is it?' his words sounded strangled as he spoke, and she could hear him shaking down the phone, in all honesty she was doing the same.

'Not good… not good at all…' she paused, wondering if she should tell him the truth, she realised that she had to, no good could come from lying to him. Too many lies and half truths had gone between Ray and Neela already, at some point it had to be the time for the truth to be told and this was it '…honey… they don't…' her voice broke again '…they don't think she's going to make it through the night… she's… she's dying Ray, I'm so sorry' there was nothing else to say, what else _could_ she say?

'Abby…' he faded away; he didn't have the words to articulate what he wanted, needed to say.

'Ray, I'm sorry honey, I'm sorry to say that and then go, but I need to ring her parents' she hated having to end the call, she felt that he need her to stay on the line, but she had to make that call before it was too late.

'Yeah… I understand... um… will you?' he wasn't capable of structuring a proper sentence, but she knew the question he was trying to ask and it pulled at her heart strings.

'I'll ring you if there's any change, if anything happens at all, okay' and with that she ended the call.

**End Flashback**

I'd telephoned many families, lovers and friends of patients in my time, but that had to be one of the hardest, he was one of my closest friends, and she… Well, I kind of knew that Ray had feelings for Neela, it had been pretty obvious over the years; and over the two previous weeks she'd told me how she felt about him, obviously at the time I didn't know the full story, none of us did. I hate the fact that they made her push him away, I know it was for her own safety, but if it wasn't for that so many of the terrible things that happened to them both would never have happened and they would have been together and happy.

**Back to that day, you made the call?**

Yes, I finally rang her parents, they were devastated, said that we were to do everything in our power to save her, we already were, if there was something we could try, a new technique that could possibly work we were doing it. But it wasn't working. Again, I promised that I would ring as soon as there was any news.

_She paused, tears welling in her eyes, eyes that were drifting to a place where the viewers could not follow_

**And then?**

I hung up the phone. Frank was standing beside me, looking at me as if he'd seen a ghost. He asked when Luka was going, going? It took me a while to realise what he was talking about. Luka's father had suddenly been taken ill and he was going back to Croatia to be with him. He asked if he was flying. I said of course he was flying; he was on the 3.30 flight to Paris and then changing, how else would he get there, by boat? I… I finally noticed the pained expression on his face, and wondered what… he put his hands on my shoulders and turned me until I was looking at the television screen. And… and there it was, the… the 3.30 flight from Chicago to Paris ha…

_Tears are now streaming down her face and you can see the sobs rising as her body shakes with distress._

…had crashed… into the sea. It was saying… it was unlikely that… that… that there were any survivors…

_She's holding her head in her hands as the sobs increase. The screen turns black momentarily. She reappears looking slightly calmer_.

I felt my knees buckle. It was kind of like watching myself fall apart. My world ended at that moment.

_She lets out a deep shaky breath._

That's all I can remember about that day; I know now that they sedated me, that I was hysterical, but I can't remember any of that.

It's trite, but they say that bad news comes in threes; it did that day, first Ray, then Neela and finally Luka, the three people I was closest to in the world. That day, that day altered my life forever.


	6. Interview Greg Pratt

**Disclaimer: I don't own ER or the characters mentioned. This part wrote itself, and then I spent the last two days pulling it apart, trying to put Greg's character into it, I'm not sure if its worked. The next part probably won't be so quick, real life getting in the way, and it's a tough one to write. Reviews please.**

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**Dr Greg Pratt joined the staff at County in 2002 as a cocky, self-assured intern. He's caused his fair share of trouble for County and his arrogance has often been problematic with his superiors. Over the last couple of years his behaviour has settled down and he's now a highly respected attending.**

_He's sitting in the chair, leaning back, arms resting casually on his legs; it's the look of a confident, self-assured man who knows he looks good._

**So Dr Pratt, the closest you've come to a long-term relationship since you joined County was with Jing-Mei, is this a deliberate decision?**

Well, when you look this good, why settle for one woman when you can enjoy many!

_He raises an eyebrow and laughs._

Seriously, I've never really been one for serious relationships, it's not me, I've seen too many of my friends torn apart by them, and I'd rather not put myself through that.

**But, surely its better to experience that than close yourself off?**

I haven't closed myself off; I'm just no going out looking for it. When you work in such a stressful place as County when you finish for the day all you want is to forget about it and have some fun. I enjoy spending time with women, I have relationships, they're just not serious. The only difference between my friends and me is that I'm not out searching for love every night.

Jing-Mei knew what it was like in the ER, she understood the strain it puts on a relationship and we had a good time together. But, it wasn't easy, not with all the problems with my stepbrother and her father, what we had wasn't strong enough, and in the end I screwed it up by flirting with Neela. We're still good friends, we shared a lot of hard times especially at the closing stages of her father's life, but by the end there was nothing left to base a long-term relationship on.

What's that saying that women go on about 'always a bridesmaid, never a bride'? I guess the same is true for me, not that I want to get married, hell no, but I've been a best man twice now, for Mike and more recently for Luka. If you think about it you could say that I'm a jinx at weddings, have me as your best man, and you won't see three months.

_He realises what he has said and cringes_.

The problem with having a relationship with someone outside of County is that its hard to tell whether they're into you or if its just because you're on the TV and famous, I think that's why so many doctors and nurses end up together, they know what's involved when it comes to dealing with the cameras, that and the fact that they understand about the shift work, the pressure of working in a hospital. Who needs that? A bit of fun and some female company, that's all I need.

**You had issues when you found out that your brother is gay. Are you homophobic?**

_His hands tighten into fists as his whole body tenses_.

What the hell, are you kidding me? How dare you ask that?

_He takes a deep breath and you can see him force himself to relax_

No, I'm not. I know that that's how it appeared, but I'm not. I was confused and shocked and I suppose I didn't want to understand what he was saying. I'd seen him flirt with girls; hell, he took a girl home for Thanksgiving. What was I supposed to think; I guess I thought that we perhaps could go out pick up some girls together, I would teach him some of my moves. I think I thought that he was just like me, that this was something we had in common. And he is, its just that he likes men and I like women, he's definitely a chip of the old block, he's got the charm, can still get what he wants from people, like me. I had a lot of grief for how I handled the whole situation, people hassling me on the El, in the supermarket, calling me a homophobe, telling me that they agreed with me that being gay was wrong. I never said that, never even thought it, but people twist these things, they hear and see what they want, it doesn't matter if it's true.

We've straightened it all out now, I owe a lot to Kerry for talking sense into me, and we go out every couple of weeks and eye up the talent. At least I'll never have to worry about competing with my brother for a woman, that's never going to come between us!

_He gives a wry grin_

I'm comfortable with who he is, he's my brother and I love him.

**Your friend, Michael Gallant, died two years ago in Iraq, how did that affect you?**

Mike's death was hard, of course it was, it came as such a shock. He'd been home two months before when he and Neela got married, I stood beside him, I was his best man, and then suddenly I was being told that he was dead. I felt a lot of different emotions, grief of course, sadness, guilt, anger, I felt them all. I was angry with the government for putting our soldiers in that position, it made me really aware of the political situation out there, I wanted a reason for him dying and they couldn't give me one.

_His expression becomes more serious as he sits more upright, as if the subject is too serious to be relaxed about._

It was hard to see Neela in that much pain, I've always had a soft spot for her, and seeing her like that was difficult to watch. She really did love him, maybe not in the all-consuming way that Mike loved her, but she did love him. Don't look so shocked, of course I knew that she had feelings for Ray, Mike told me, he could see it in her eyes, in the way she looked at him, and that was devastating for him. That was what I felt guilty about, knowing that Mike had pushed the idea of a quick marriage on her because he was so desperate that if he didn't tie her to him, make her promise to love him forever, the next time he came home she would be with Ray. To be honest, I know I should have talked him out of it, it was an awful thing for him to do, but I didn't know how to. He caused them so much pain because of his selfishness. But man, thinking like that makes me feel guilty as well, he was my best friend, he's dead, yet I'm blaming him for his actions. It was an impossible situation, two guys, one woman, someone was always going to get hurt, in the end, the way it turned out, no one was happy.

I thought it was for the best when I warned Ray off, I thought he wasn't the right person to comfort her, I know now that I was wrong, she needed him and I stood in the way of that. Obviously, I now know that there was the whole thing with the guy who was stalking her, but I still kind of feel responsible, I was the one who told him to give her space.

When she turned to Gates, I didn't expect that at all, the guy's an arrogant, cocky wanker, to use one of Neela's favourite expressions.

_He raises his eyebrows and grins_

Don't look at me like that, I know that's how they describe me too, but he is. Yet he seemed to be the only who could comfort her, I couldn't understand it, I don't know if it was because he was in Iraq before and lost a friend there, I just don't know.

I wanted her to be happy, I know Mike would have wanted that too, but it was clear she wasn't with Gates, she smiled and laughed but in her eyes you could see the pain and the guilt, my guess is that's one of the reasons she ended up with him, there was too much history between her and Ray, it was too linked in with Mike.

**Following what happened after the wedding do you regret not putting Ray in a cab?**

Hell, yes, if I'd put him in a cab that truck wouldn't have hit him and he wouldn't have lost his legs. But he's 29, an adult, he should be capable of looking after himself. I could see that he was hurting and drunk that night, but I didn't make him go to another bar and drink more, I told him to go home.

I will always regret what happened, ask myself what would have happened if he hadn't got into the fight with Gates - though he only said what we were all thinking - if I'd put him in a cab, if Neela had come after him. I don't think I realised until that night how much he loved her, I said earlier that I knew she had feelings for him, and in the same way I knew that he cared about her, but I never knew how much. But you don't react like that about someone you're attracted to, that was all about love.

The accident has changed him, he's grown up a lot, there's still a lot of banter, he's still a young, good looking guy, but there are times when we're out and you see him gazing wistfully off into the distance and you can tell that he's thinking about what might have been. From what I understand his accident was a bit of a catalyst for what happened later, Neela visited him just before the march, and he pushed her away. With everything that occurred after that you can only imagine how the memory of that makes him feel.

**You were on duty the day of the march, what went through your mind when Neela was brought in?**

Honestly? My first thought was that I couldn't lose her too. I'd buried Mike, her husband, my best friend, just twelve months before, and looking at her and assessing her injuries I kind of knew that I would be at her funeral before the end of the week. The blood was draining from her body quicker than we could replace it; her vitals were dropping by the second; it was distressing for all of us. In that trauma room there was Abby, Gates, and I. I don't like the guy, I have no qualms about saying it, but at that moment I felt for him, to see someone you were so intimate with fading away like that must have been a terrible experience, and he'd already been through it with Meg. I had to send Abby out, she was too distraught and Neela was in such a bad way that I needed to be sure that I could rely on everyone in that trauma and I couldn't rely on Abby.

Those were some of the longest hours of my life, trying to quell the flow of blood, trying to stabilise her enough so we could get her into the OR. There was one point, after Abby left, were she stopped breathing again, it had been 15 minutes and we were getting nowhere, I was getting ready to call it, but I couldn't articulate the words, my heart was feeling so heavy in my chest. I was imagining Abby's reaction; Ray's reaction and I hated that I was going to have to tell them that she hadn't made it. Gates suddenly shouted that he'd got a pulse, she'd come back; I couldn't believe it, I was preparing to tell them, and she was still fighting to live. She was trying so hard to stay with us.

It was another couple of hours before we wheeled her into the OR and handed her over to the surgeons. I felt so helpless, up until then, I had had some control over keeping her with us, the only person I could blame if we lost her was myself, and here I was handing that responsibility over to someone else and as much as I respect Dubenko I wished that I was in there so that I could keep battling for her.

I had planned to stay in the observation room, my shift was way past over, but we were paged back down to an ER that was even more short staffed than earlier. When Frank told me what had happened to Luka, I was stunned. In the past few years he'd become like a father figure to me, encouraging me, supporting me, sending me to Darfur which changed my out look on life, shit, he even tried to get me out of prison when I messed up. He was a genuinely good guy, hell, he had a temper, but he cared about people and his patients, he'd been through a lot, and he loved Abby and Joe so much. It was such a waste. What a day, Luka was dead; Neela was fighting a losing battle for her life in the OR, could it get any worse?

**That day you worked solidly for 17 hours, tell us what happened when you finally went off duty?**

I finally got off about 11, I'd been on since 6 that morning; they were still operating so I went back up to the observation room. I think I'd only been there for about 15 minutes when Ray arrived. I was stunned; I didn't know about his accident, I found out later that the only two people who did were in no state to tell anyone. He was in a wheelchair and looked terrible, very pale and shaken, not surprising in the circumstances. I could see that he'd been in an accident - he had a blanket over his legs so I couldn't see that they had been amputated - but I couldn't understand how or why, I certainly didn't feel any guilt about it at the time. His mother was with him, it looked like she was trying to care for him, protect him, but nothing could protect him from what was about to happen.

There was no time to speak; down in the OR she crashed again, and there we were stuck in that room, I was pacing the floor, panic welling inside me, I'm not embarrassed to say that there were tears in my eyes. Ray… there's no way to describe his reaction. They were doing everything in their power to bring her back… but nothing was working. As the time went by, it became clearer that this was the end… that in one day County was going to have lost three of its best doctors, and I was going to have lost two great friends. There was always the possibility that Ray would return, I doubted it though, we had lost Neela, and without her he would never come through those doors willingly again. I'll never forget the feelings it conjured up in me, the emotions I experienced that day were like nothing I'd ever felt before.

_He brushes a small tear from his eye, a heart-breaking image coming from such a tough guy._

Your first question was about relationships, that day I saw what that so called 'magical' thing called love does, I saw it first in Abby's eyes and then Ray's; I saw their souls being torn apart, I saw grief so insurmountable, I saw two people who's reasons for living had gone. And you sit there and ask me why I don't want to put myself through that.

For me the 17 May 2007 finished off what had started in Darfur; I finished growing up that day.


	7. Interview Ray Barnett 1

**Disclaimer: Don't own ER. I struggled with writing this until two days ago when it wrote, rewrote and wrote itself again. Inspiration seems to come at work, so it's a good thing I wasn't busy today! My initial aim with this was to make myself cry, I haven't quite achieved it but its close, its a good dose of angst. I've split it into two parts as it's rather long, the second part is written but won't be posted until I get some reviews!

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**Dr Ray Barnett first arrived at County in 2004. Initially he treated being a doctor as a day job, he worked his hours, went home and had fun. And fun he had, he was in a rock band, often turned up late, wearing eyeliner and nail varnish, hence his nickname Doc Rock. But his attitude changed when he had to treat his friends after a balcony collapse, that and the persuasiveness of a certain roommate, made him see that being a doctor meant far more than that. In the four years that Ray has been at County he has been voted Sexiest Guy on Television twice! The last twelve months have been unquestionably hard for Ray as he fought to rebuild his life after the tragedies of a year ago.**

_He sits there; one leg casually draped over the other, leaning back, relaxed, he looks almost insolent. Dressed in jeans and a sleeveless t-shirt, he looks like the rock doctor we first met four years ago, until you look at his eyes, where his feelings belie his body language. Those eyes show a young man older than his years who has been through far more than most men his age and who will carry the scars for the rest of his life._

**Your accident is one of the worst events we've witnessed happening to an ER doctor, what do you remember of that night?**

It's all quite hazy. There are certain moments that are crystal clear and others that I just don't remember. That turned out to be my ultimate aim that night, not remembering. After seeing Neela with him, especially after what she'd said earlier, I was craving oblivion. I continued drinking long after I normally would have stopped. When Pratt told me to go home, I couldn't do it, that place would have been like a graveyard that night, there would have been far too many ghosts there, so I went to the nearest bar and kept drinking.

I remember my phone ringing, and I remember having voicemail from her. I couldn't believe that after what I had seen that she was still trying to string me along, I wasn't close enough to oblivion for that not to hurt. I don't remember listening to the voicemail, I think hearing her voice would have been too hard, especially after all the promises I'd heard in it earlier.

That's as much as I remember, according to the police I walked out into the middle of the road, I tried to get out of the truck's way, if I hadn't I wouldn't be here now, but I didn't move fast enough, and my legs got crushed under the wheels. I don't remember any of that.

I always thought that it was crap when people said that their life flashed before their eyes, but it happened, I had flashes of my most precious memories, and other random moments, ironically a hell of a lot of them featured her, moments in the apartment, her turning up at that bar a few weeks earlier,

_He takes a deep breath_

kissing her, touching her that evening when I thought she was about to make my dreams come true. All of that flashed before my eyes.

_He shakes his head as if to clear those thoughts_

The next thing I knew I was at Mercy and they were telling me that they'd had to amputate my legs.

**How did that make you feel?**

_Looks incredulous, one eye raised_

How did that make me feel? How the hell do you think that made me feel? I felt like my world had ended. They were telling me that, hey, it's good news, we managed to save your life, but, sorry, we couldn't save your legs! I just wished that they'd let me die.

_He gazes in to the corner of the studio, seeing things that aren't visible to anyone else_

I was fit for nothing. What could I possibly do if I didn't have any legs, I certainly couldn't be a doctor, I couldn't play, I couldn't be a lover. I felt like I'd been handed a life sentence.

I thought I was being punished for something, I didn't know what, not caring enough for my patients, not being a good enough son, caring too much for a married woman, I couldn't see how any of those deserved a punishment like that. I believed that I would have to live my life from a wheelchair, that I would never be able to walk again.

It was only later that I began to understand that I would still be able to do the majority of things I'd ever done. That there was no reason that I couldn't still be a doctor, a musician, everything I'd ever imagined. But that realisation took time, a lot of time.

During the time I was at Mercy, I went through every emotion imaginable, but I mainly felt hatred. I hated myself for getting that drunk, I hated the driver for not missing, and I hated him because he had missed. I hated Pratt for not putting me in a cab, the bartender for serving me, Abby and Luka for getting married, Hope for interrupting what could have been the best moment of my life, Gates, well that's obvious.

_He pauses, running a hand through his hair, gazing off into the distance again. His next words come out almost as a whisper._

Most of all I hated Neela.

**Neela, why?**

I convinced myself that I hated her so that it couldn't hurt as much. The hatred I felt for what happened that night was so tightly related to her, I couldn't separate the two. I felt that if she hadn't arrived with him, is she hadn't got my hopes up, if I hadn't seen her with Gates, if she'd come after me, if she'd not called, if any of those things hadn't happened I believed that I wouldn't have been there, that I would still be whole. I still loved her, don't get me wrong, but there was a fine line between that love and hate and I kept crossing it, when I thought of her my mind started to thing about never walking again, I couldn't think of one without the other.

I couldn't accept that people cared, that my parents loved me, over those two weeks they were constantly at my bedside, despite the fact they hate each other, even though I hadn't seen them in years. Katy hardly left my side either; I couldn't understand how she could still be there when I'd treated her so badly. She had suffered over the last few months because of my feelings for Neela and the way she was messing me around. I treated Katy the same way Neela was treating me, I knew it but I couldn't stop doing it. Every time Neela pushed me away, I turned to Katy for comfort, for a warm body to hold in bed while I dreamt of someone else, to make Neela jealous, to make her realise that she loved me as much as I loved her.

**Why did you ring Neela if you felt like that?**

Katy convinced me to; I think she thought it would give me some closure or something. She wanted me to be able to move on with my life, move on with her. I couldn't tell her that that wouldn't happen, that if I ever moved on it wouldn't be with someone who was linked to Neela in my mind, she'd been too good to me to tell her that yet.

And as stupid as it sounds I wanted to see her, I hated her, but it was two weeks since I'd seen her, I hadn't gone that long without seeing her in all the time I had known her, and I missed her.

**How did you feel when she arrived at the hospital?**

**Flashback**

As he woke he felt a pressure on his hand, a hand holding his. It wasn't his mom, or Katy, it was a hand he'd never held before, but he knew the touch, it was a touch he'd felt a thousand times, and it made waking up exquisite torture. He was waking up beside her, for the first time in a year, and her hand was holding his, how he'd dreamt of this moment. He took his time opening his eyes, trying to hold on to the moment a fraction longer, trying to memorise how it felt, because after today it would never happen again.

He squeezed her fingers as he opened his eyes, uncurling his hand from hers.

'Hey…' she raised her eyes to meet his. They held each other's gaze for what seemed like hours.

'How are…' her question drifted off, she was unsure what to say. Something snapped inside his mind.

'Don't' his voice echoed round the room 'don't tell me how sorry you are, I don't… I don't want your pity'

'Ray…' he couldn't let her speak.

'No, let me speak… I can't… I can't do this any more' A look of confusion crossed her face. He hadn't planned on saying this but now that he'd started it was all just flowing out. 'I can't keep hanging on waiting for you to decide, I can't keep watching you run back to him…'

'Ray…'

'I fell in love with you, do you understand? I'm in love with you. I know you've had it hard since Michael died and I've tried to give you space. But I can't do that anymore. I can't keep putting myself through all of this in the hope that one day you'll look at me the way I look at you. I trusted you to make the right decision, I've fought for you, but I have to put myself first now, I've got other things to deal with'

'It's… It's over with Tony, I ended it'

'Yeah, until the next time you go running back to him. Don't you see, Neela, this isn't about you anymore? I can't be thinking about you while I'm trying to get through this. My mom's taking me home today. I need to move on with my life. I can't do that while I'm still waiting for you. So… I'm not going to anymore, whatever this could have been isn't going to happen, I'm done.'

He turned his head to look at her, he couldn't see her while he said those words, his resolve would have weakened, it was weakening now as he saw the tears stream uncheckered down her face but he had to stay strong.

'I'm… I'm so sorry… I didn't mean to… hurt you… I lo…'

'Don't' He didn't want to hear those words from her lips now, it was too late.

'Please, don't push me away, I promise I'll write, I'll come and visit, we can make this work' she said looking up earnestly, though the tears were still falling.

'Neela… don't make promises you're not going to keep' it hurt to see that look on her face, but he knew her and he thought she would run from this, like she'd run before when situations got too tough and he couldn't keep waiting.

She stood and kissed him on the cheek, he had to restrain himself from turning his head to capture her lips, the memory of hers on his flooding his mind; he felt her warm breath on his skin, and his insides turned to liquid.

'I fell in love with you too' she whispered almost silently. She straightened up and walked out the room.

**End Flashback**

It took every bit of willpower in my body not to call after her, to stop her from leaving. I realised later that she didn't leave; she was just a wall away from me, as she had been so many times before and, in my mind, just as unreachable.

My mom told me afterwards that she'd been coming along the corridor when Neela left the room… she said she watched her blindly reaching out for the wall, sliding down it until she was crouched on the floor, silent sobs racking her body. She tried to comfort her, but she wouldn't let her... she would never let anyone comfort her when she cried.

_His face is damp with tears that are leaking from his eyes. He runs a hand down his face to wipe it dry and to compose himself._

This time I was in the car driving away, but unlike when she left me, I couldn't help but look at her, standing there with her arms wrapped tightly around her as if she couldn't get warm. All I wanted to do was to take back all the words I'd said that day.

If I could have walked I would have stopped the car and gone back to her and never let her go, but I couldn't.


	8. Interview Ray Barnett 2

**Disclaimer: As before. Part 2 as promised. I've started writing the next part in my head but there are no words on the screen yet, so it may be a while. Again the more reviews the more chance of getting it quickly.

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****Are you aware that Katy had words with Neela before you left?**

_He pulls his body upright, tension emanating from him_

I heard about it later. She was so pleased with herself for defending me, protecting me, she was almost gloating about it. She couldn't understand why I was so angry. In my lowest moments I had blamed Neela, but I'd blamed everyone and it wasn't Katy's place to tell her. I hate to imagine how it made Neela feel. She was already eaten up with guilt over Michael and I knew that she would be blaming herself for my accident as well, that's what she was like. But to hear those things from Katy, that just wasn't right. I know she thought she was being my friend, protecting me, but I don't need friends who say things like that to the people I love. I've kept my distance since then. The way things turned out I'm sure she could see that nothing else was going to happen.

**With hindsight, would you change what you said that day?**

_His eyes momentarily flicker shut as if the question is too painful, when he speaks his voice is hoarse, and when he opens his eyes, don't look at his eyes, the look there would send you to your knees_

Hell, yes. If you're asking if I could have prevented her accident would I, of course I would. Knowing now what was going to happen I never would have let go of her hand… I would… I would never have let her walk out that room… I would never have told her it was over. I hate myself for doing those things, for thinking them, especially as deep down, I didn't even mean them. But most of all I hate that she went into that situation believing them. And when I think I could have prevented it all… that… that destroys my sanity.

_Takes a deep breath_

But I'm as responsible for what happened to her as she is for what happened to me. They were both accidents, terrible accidents, but neither of us was to blame for the other's, and that's the hardest thing to accept especially when my heart continues to tell me that I could have prevented hers.

**Abby rang you at about 7pm, what was your reaction to her call?**

**Flashback**

His cell was ringing, he didn't really have the energy to answer, but just as it was about to click on to voicemail he did.

'Ray, honey, it's Abby' Honey? Since when did she call him honey? He recognised her doctor's voice, the calming, reassuring, comforting voice, had she heard about his accident?

'Abby, what can I do for you?

'A bomb's gone off at the anti-war march here…' she paused. She was making no sense, what did a bomb going off have to do with him? As he looked down he thought he certainly couldn't work if that's what she wanted.

'…Ray, honey, this is a strange question I know, but I was wondering if you had a phone number for Neela's parents?' Why would she… And suddenly the world started to fall down around him. There was only one reason she would want that, but surely she…

'It's just she never updated her file, it still says Michael is her next of kin, her bag wasn't brought in with her…' The world crashed. Those words meant that whatever had happened Neela wasn't able to give her the number.

'Yeah… I think I've still got it in my cell, give me a second…' his voice sounded strange even to his own ears. As he flicked through the numbers his hands were shaking so much it was hard to press the buttons; reading the screen through the film of tears in his eyes was nigh on impossible '… it's 00 44…'

'Thanks'

He realised she wasn't going to elaborate. He would have to ask but he didn't know what to ask, he needed to know, but did he want to know, what if she was… 'Abby… is she… how bad… how bad is it?'

'Not good… not good at all…' she paused and he held his breath '…honey… they don't…' her voice broke again, and he felt his heart start to shatter '…they don't think she's going to make it through the night… she's… she's dying Ray, I'm so sorry'

'Abby…' His mind was trying to digest her words, to understand the meaning. It couldn't be true, this was his worst nightmare, her hurt, her dying when there was nothing he could do to prevent it. He didn't know what to say, he wasn't sure he even remembered how to speak.

'Ray, I'm sorry honey, I'm sorry to say that and then go, but I need to ring her parents'

'Yeah… I understand... um… will you?' He didn't want her to hang up he needed to know more. But he understood, the Rasgotra's needed to know, the news would devastate them, they loved their daughter so much, he loved her so much. He didn't know how to ask, didn't want to say those words.

'I'll ring you if there's any change, if anything happens at all, okay' He was relieved that she understood what he was asking, but the idea of ending that call, when she was his only link to Neela, that was too difficult. The connection went dead before he could say anymore.

He knew what he needed to do; he needed to be in Chicago, he needed to be at her bedside, with her, for as long as he could be.

'Turn the car around, I… I need to go back to Chicago' his voice wavered.

His parents didn't respond, and they showed no indication that they'd heard him; he felt his anger rise, this was too important for them not to listen.

'TURN THE FUCKING CAR AROUND' he shouted.

His mother turned round to reprimand him for using such language, but the words died away as she saw the look on her son's face, the mask of desolation and despair that had slipped across his features.

'Sweetie, what's happened?'

His voice, when he spoke, was deathly quiet 'there's… there's… been an accident… Neela… Neela's dying…' and his tears began to fall.

**Flashback ends**

When we left all that had been on my mind was memories of my time in Chicago, of the times I'd spent with her, but on the way back all I had was regrets. The words I'd said, leaving her, they were all coming back to haunt me.

As we got closer all I was praying for was five minutes. I was trying to convince myself that that was all I wanted, five minutes with her, to tell her how I really felt, to put right all that I'd said, to kiss her, to hold her as she faded away…

_He gives a wry shake of the head_

But who was I kidding, I didn't want five minutes or five hours or five days with her, all I wanted was to never let go again.

The idea of being alive and knowing that I would never see her again was unbearable. It was no longer about forgiving, apologies, loving; it was only about her living, if she did that we could overcome everything. I even reached the point where I didn't care if it didn't work out between us as long as she was still there, if there was still the possibility of seeing her, hearing her, again, that was all that mattered.

_His voice becomes husky, and the shining light in his eyes reveals more tears_

I don't know how long it took to get back to the hospital, it felt like forever, but I'm sure it took less time than when we left. My cell was running out of charge and I was terrified it would go before we got back, or that Abby would call and it would cut out before she could tell me. But it didn't ring, and I could only hope that that was a positive sign.

When we got there I couldn't go in. I was looking at the place that I realised had become a home to me, the people inside closer than my family, and I couldn't place when that had happened, but I knew it was inextricably linked to Neela, her changing me, making me a better doctor, a better person. And I knew that this would be the last time I entered County if she didn't make it… Because the ghosts that haunted our apartment would be nothing compared to the ones there.

_He wraps his arms around himself as if to protect him from the memories_

The ER was very subdued when we entered, I didn't find out until later what else had happened that night, it was all about Neela for me. Hope came up to the OR with us. Greg was already there. I remember him looking curiously at the wheelchair. But before he said anything, I heard the noise I'd been dreading for the last three hours. The screaming of the machines shouting for attention, saying without words that she had stopped breathing. It was almost as if she had wai… waited for me to arrive to… die. I realised later that it was the fourth time that had happened that night, but it was the first time I had witnessed it. The only thing that existed in the world for me then was her. I was aware of nothing else… I just kept thinking that I wasn't going to be able to make things right… that it was too late.

_He looks up at the ceiling, blinking rapidly_

You know, with every minute that passed without any change, the colour drained from my life. It was black and white; she lived and there was colour, she died and I would exist in monochrome.

_He laughs a weak laugh_

It sounds so corny, but it was how I felt. My breath caught every time they shocked her in the hope that she would respond, but she didn't. My dreams were dying with her, dreams that had kept me going over the last two weeks but which had been to fragile for me to acknowledge. Dreams of walking into County and sweeping her off her feet, of waking up in the morning beside her, of falling asleep with her in my arms, dreams of growing old together, they were all fading away with every breath she didn't take.

The practical side of my mind, the side that had developed because of her, was trying to tell me that I would have to be the one to call her parents, they deserved to hear this from someone they knew, and though it had been a while, I was that person.

But my heart was fighting those thoughts, it couldn't… I couldn't accept what… what my head already knew. Those minutes were the shortest and the longest of my life. And then… and then I saw them s… step back from the gurney an… and I saw Dubenko loo… look at the clock… and I heard… I heard him say the words 'time of deat…'

_The tears are streaming down his face as he recounts those moments_

Inside, I was sh… shouting at them not to give up… that they… they had to keep going… I was begging her not to lea… leave me, but I couldn't speak… I couldn't move, all I could do was look at that… that gurney, look at the wom… woman I want… wanted to spend the rest of… my life with…

_The sorrow and devastation on his tear stained face is enough to break your heart. It's clear that this is the first time he's talked in full about what happened that day, and it's destroying him. The screen turns black momentarily and returns to show him more composed than before_

I'm sorry; I hate it when people cry on TV. That's the first time I've talked properly about that day, I haven't even let myself think about a lot of what happened, I never realised how hard it would be.

_He moves his hands in a 'what can you do' gesture_

**Why are you sorry? I would say you've just secured your place as the 'Sexiest Guy on TV' again**

What? By crying?

_A look of confusion crosses his face, but the mood has thankfully lightened_

**I'm willing to bet that there are millions of women watching this that would do anything to wipe away your tears**

_He smirks, one eyebrow raised_

Really? You think so? I should have done that a long time ago then! … But, you see I'm a one-woman kind of guy…

_He looks down at his hands with a secret smile on his lips_

I have been for a long time now…

_He glances towards the corner of the studio, his eyes softening and a wide smile appears_

… And from the look on her face she would kill anyone who tried to do that, wouldn't you, babe?

_He laughs at something we can't see_

You blushing, babe?

**_You think so Barnett? If you keep that up the only person I'll be killing is you, honey!_**


	9. Interview John Carter

**Disclaimer: Don't own ER. Have had a mammoth case of writers block regarding this whole fic, and I've tried to make myself write it numerous times, but just couldn't get it. But the muses started to play again today and they wrote this part, a lot of the next chapter, and part of another chapter as well, and I even know where I'm going with it again, which is a relief, because I'm enjoying writing it. I've not got Frank quite right but I couldn't get it to work however I tried. Hope you enjoy it, and reviews please!**

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**Dr John Truman Carter III has been at County since before filming started. He comes from a very wealthy family who have a lot of influence over Chicago life. He is a very dedicated and compassionate doctor, who has spent a great deal of time working with the Doctors Without Borders program in Africa. He returned to the ER in the summer of 2007 and took over the position of Chief of the ER soon afterwards.**

_He's the only one of those being interviewed for this series to wear a suit and tie, he still looks younger than his years, but you can tell that his eyes and heart have experienced a lot in their lifetime, and that he's become a better person, a better doctor because of it._

**What made you return from Africa?**

_He straightens up in his seat as the questions start_

There was no one particular thing, I just didn't feel like I was putting my all into it, and out there they need you to give everything. After Joshua died I couldn't give that, my marriage to Kem fell apart, grief isn't a basis for a marriage, so I decided to come back to Chicago, take stock, work out what I wanted from life, I had no intention of returning to County, I was just coming home to work out what to do next. That was what I was thinking on the plane, in the cab. It was 9pm by the time my flight landed, because of the time difference and the jet lag I wasn't tired and I wanted to see some friendly faces. Where else would I go? I asked the cab driver to take me to County. It was strange to walk in there after a year, there was something eerie about the place that night, it was full of patients, I'd expected that, I'd heard about the bomb, but there was an eerie silent undertone. Frank was in a particular odd mood.

_He shakes his head despairingly as he remembers_

**Flashback**

'Here comes the hero returning for the final act' Frank murmured as John Carter entered.

He looked at Frank with confusion.

'You know at the end of the theatre, once the evil foreign villain has died, the young maiden has fallen into a stupor, not so young in this case, the other young maiden is on her death bed on her way to see the angels, though that's probably wrong cause they don't believe in heaven do they, and the hero returns to save the day and make everything right'

'God, that's sick' Chuni murmured as she walked away.

Carter turned to the only person left that he knew. 'Morris, I can't believe I'm asking you this, but can you explain what's going on here? What's Frank talking about?' He couldn't believe he was asking Morris for a sensible answer, but there didn't appear to be anyone else he knew to ask

'Well man, you heard about the bomb?'

'Yeah, it was all across the papers when I landed' he'd taken a glancing look at them as he walked through the airport, the headlines were split between the plane crash and the bomb, a busy day for the press, and this place would have been busy as well.

'Neela was there. It turns out that she was near the centre of the blast, they brought her in around 4.30 I think, she's been in the OR for the last few hours, It's not looking good though, last time I rang up they still couldn't stop the bleeding'

Shit, his mind flung him back to the time when Lucy and he had been stabbed, and the horrors of coming to terms with the death of a close friend and colleague. His heart went out to all his old colleagues, it would take them a long time to accept what had happened, hopefully they'd be able to support each other and wouldn't slip off the rails like he had. He knew about Michael's death, it didn't seem fair that Neela should die as well so soon after. But as tragic as that was he thought there was still more to come.

'That's not everything is it?' A chill went up his spine before Morris spoke again, a momentary flash of realisation that faded quickly away.

'Luka was flying to Croatia today, he was on the 3.30 flight to Paris, the one that crashed'

'Abby?' Oh god, let her be okay, she was one of his closest friends, but he knew that even if she wasn't on the flight she wouldn't be okay, not if Luka was dead.

'We've had to sedate her, she's in the break room, Sam's with her'

**End Flashback**

**You stayed with Abby that night?**

I couldn't leave her could I? She looked so peaceful lying there, though you could still see tears tracks on her cheeks. Speaking to Sam was refreshing, none of the self-importance of Morris or strangeness of Frank. She told me the situation straight. She explained that a hotline had been set up for concerned relatives and friends but she hadn't been able to get through, hadn't wanted to leave Abby. That was something tangible I could do, and there was no point discussing anything else until we were sure he was on the flight.

I stood out in the bay, listening to recorded message after recorded message for almost an hour before I got through to the call centre. The girl I spoke to confirmed that Dr Kovac had checked in and boarded the plane. She told me that everything humanly possible was being done to find any survivors but that due to the nature of the incident that it was unlikely. She was a young girl, an ER fan, and was devastated to hear that one of the men she hero-worshiped was on that flight. It was kind of surreal comforting someone who'd never met him. I felt deflated when I came off the line, I'd been hoping that he hadn't been on the flight so that I could go back in with positive news, but it wasn't to be.

**How did you feel about Luka's death?**

It was a strange one, we'd never been particularly close when we worked together, but the reason for that was the one thing we had most in common, Abby. But the time we'd spent in Africa had made me greatly respect him, he'd been through a hell of a lot, losing his wife and kids in such an atrocious way had definitely had an effect on him, you would have had to have been made of stone for it not to. He went through a lot when he came to Chicago as well. While we sat at Abby's bedside Sam tried to get me to leave, said I must be jet lagged but I couldn't leave Abby. I felt she needed me, Neela, her closest friend, had such a tenuous grip on life and it was unlikely she would survive to be able to comfort Abby, and we'd always been friends, I couldn't leave her.

_He rubs a hand over his face as if to ease the memories that the questioning is conjuring_

Sam filled me in on everything that had happened since I left. Being in the middle of nowhere in Africa, I must have been one of the few people who didn't know about Joe's premature birth, Luka almost dying, Ames, the wedding; it felt like I'd been away for a lifetime. It sounded like they were finally happy and settled and then this happened. Luka was one of life's good guys, Sam told me that he'd even quit, only a few weeks earlier, as ER Chief because he hated all the bureaucracy, all the time spent not being a real doctor, he wanted to treat patients not deal with paperwork. It's a sign of the times I know, but I've heard that said by so many ER Chiefs.

Morris came in at one point, I've never seen him that subdued, it was like the stuffing had been knocked out of him, he said that Greg had just called down from the OR and they'd just pronounced Neela. Sam was devastated. All I could think of was the intelligent, quiet, unconfident girl who'd started her internship with Abby. My strongest memory of her was when she threw a snowball at Ray Barnett in the ambulance bay one Christmas because he'd lied to her to get her to cover his shift, its strange the things you remember about a person. I could remember the teasing and the banter between her and Barnett, but from what Sam had told me, it had become more than that, a more unlikely pair I couldn't imagine, but it wasn't a really a pairing was it? My heart went out to Ray, if he really felt the way Sam thought about Neela, his heart must have been breaking, like Abby's was.

**When did Abby wake up?**

It was a few minutes after Morris came in, we were doing that thing people do when someone they know dies, the whispering quietly about how it shouldn't happen to someone so young, that she'd been through so much. We didn't realise Abby was awake. We could have handled that so much better. It was an awful way for her to find it out, even though she pretty much knew it was going to happen. She showed no reaction, she just asked for Joe. Sam had had some foresight and Joe, and his nanny, where waiting in the doctor's lounge. Even though she started to cry again when she saw him, just being with him meant so much to her. It made me see what I had missed with my son. I almost felt like I was intruding. I never imagined Abby being maternal, but seeing her with Joe, she was amazing; it was like another side to her that I'd never seen before.

**What made you decide to come back to County?**

_He sits up a bit straighter; this is a question that is easier for him to deal with_

It was any number of little things, how they all rallied together after all that had happened, it reminded me of how much of a family it was there, a family that I was closer to and cared more about than my own.

I spent a lot of time with Abby after Luka died, and when the others visited I heard them all complaining about how awful Moretti was, how he was trying to knock that caring, family atmosphere out of the place, and I didn't want to see that happen. I wanted the ER to be the kind of place it had always been, the kind of place that would be welcoming for Abby when she decided to return, somewhere that Ray could come back to when he'd completed his rehabilitation; it wasn't going to be that with Moretti there. But even with my strong ties to the hospital board I couldn't get him sacked, he hadn't done anything wrong and he was improving the statistics, which is all the board cared about.

I accepted a position as an attending, back doing what I used to do. It was like a quiet revolution, we were all waiting for Moretti to screw up, passing on information on what he was rumoured to be planning next. It was only a matter of time, his plans were getting more extreme, he started staffing the ER mainly with interns and students, reducing the number of attendings and R3's on duty at any one time hence reducing the costs, consults could only be called for by him or an attending. It started to get really messy.

In the end an occupied apartment building collapsed due to subsidence, one hundred people trapped and injured, all he had on was four interns, two students and himself. Sam went over his head and called us all in, even though he said they were coping, but in the time that took, people died who would have survived if they'd had adequate treatment. It became apparent to the board that he was unstable, that and the abuse that he hurled at Sam when he found out what she'd done, which was almost tantamount to sexual harassment, was enough for them to get rid of him, and I ended up in the post which I never though I wanted but I love it. I know how to deal with the kind of people that are on the board, I've been doing it all of my life, and we've improved the ER, our stats are still good, but, I think, it's more importantly, a good place to work. We've got Abby and Ray back now, full time. It's been really hard for them both, especially him, there were times when I thought he'd never make it, one of the biggest hurdles was getting him to come through the doors of the ER. It seems like something so small but for him it was accepting that life would never be like it was before.

_He smiles proudly_

But they're doing really well, and next year I think we're going to have quite a battle to choose our Chief Resident.

**So how do you feel about the cameras leaving?**

It's going to be strange; they've been here for so long the cameramen and women are almost part of the family here. It think it's time though, what happened last year put such a strain on everyone and playing that out in front of the cameras and the world didn't help any of us. Some things that happened wouldn't have happened if the hospital hadn't been in the public eye.

He talks passionately about a subject which is clearly close to his heart We deal with peoples lives here, we put our lives on the line almost everyday and we only make headlines when things go wrong, we need to go back to being a normal ER department, not one whose doctors love lives make the news headlines. 

**Do you really think that's possible?**

I don't know. I hope it is. These doctors and nurses need some privacy to get on with their lives. I _want_ Sam to be able to walk down the street without someone telling her where she went wrong bringing up Alex. I _want_ Abby to be able to take Joe to the park without a well meaning person telling her how much _they_ miss Luka. I _want_ Ray to be able to go to a bar without strangers coming up to him to tell him that he should have told Neela how he felt before she married Michael, and I _want_ people to stop abusing Greg for being homophobic when he isn't. I don't know how long it will take for that to happen, but I have to hope it will. These people deserve not to have to deal with these things anymore; they've been through enough already.

**And you, do you deserve that too?**

_He looks straight into the camera as he answers, honesty prevailing in his eyes_

I hope I do. That was one of the reasons I left in the first place. There are some situations you don't want to deal with in front of millions of viewers. My son's death was one of those. I've been very cautious in my private life since I came back, I don't want whoever I have a relationship with next to be dragged through everything that Kem and Wendell had to go through. I want my private life to be just that, private.

**Another member of the ER staff reveals more to us tomorrow at the same time.**


	10. Interview Neela Rasgotra 2

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**We return to Dr Neela Rasgotra to find out her memories of that day, and the consequences that it has had on the rest of her life.**

**Do you remember anything about the day said you would never remember, the day you were lucky to survive?**

I remember treating a soldier, talking to him about Michael, and the anti-war rally before my shift ended. I vaguely remember seeing Ray, I remember kissing him goodbye and telling him I loved him, but I'm not sure how much of that is because he's told me it happened or if I really remember. I remember what Katey said to me, ironically it's the one thing I would want to forget but it's one of the stronger memories. I have a slight recollection of being surrounded by crowds of people but that's it. It's strange; my strongest memory of that day is of something that can't have happened, I must have dreamt it, it's strange the tricks the mind plays.

**What was it?**

_She laughs softly_

Don't laugh, but it was when I was in the OR that night. It was like I was watching my own death, it was surreal.

**Flashback**

She was looking down on her own body lying on the gurney in the OR. Dubenko and Crenshaw were there, as well as countless others. She watched as Dubenko called time of death. Why was she still here then? She heard a voice talking to her, the her that was in the corner of the room not the her on the gurney. She turned towards the familiar sounding voice, and there was Michael. She was surprised that it didn't surprise or shock her that he was there.

'Baby, what are you doing, you need to fight' he murmured as he cupped her cheek in his hand and brushed away the tears that had gathered.

'Michael, I'm so sorry…' her voice trailed away.

'What are you talking about?'

'This, everything, it's my fault that you died' All her guilt over his death and everything that had happened since was falling to the front of her mind, and pouring out of her mouth, everything she had wanted to say to him since he died.

'Neela it wasn't your fault, I was in the wrong place, it was bad luck, I just wish I hadn't had to leave you' he pulled her closer, trying to stop her tears.

'How can you be like that towards me after everything I've done?'

'You've not done anything wrong'

'I had feelings for Ray when I was married to you, that was wrong, I should have been stronger' she sobbed

He pulled back and took her face in both his hands 'Look at me, I was wrong to rush you into marrying me but I could see how he looked at you and how you looked at him and I didn't want to lose you, if anyone's got something to apologise for it's me'

'You knew? But, but why did you leave then? Surely you knew you were pushing me towards him?'

'I knew, and I regretted what I'd done, I knew it wasn't enough to keep you two apart, you were meant to be together, I could see that, I just didn't want to admit it'

'Why didn't you say anything?'

'Admitting to myself that my wife was in love with her roommate was one thing, talking to you about it was a different issue. I was just waiting for you to tell me, but you never did. When I made that tape for you, I wanted to say something in it, but I was doing it in front of the guys, so I couldn't, I could only say what I said.

'I never did anything. When I realised how I felt I moved out, I didn't let anything happen, I couldn't cheat on you'

'I know, you surprised me when you did that, I should have known better though, I didn't know what to think, what to do, and then the truck I was in got hit and it was too late to do anything. I just had to watch you push him away, hurting yourself more'

'Why now, why do I get to see you now but not then?'

'I keep an eye on you, but we're not allowed to interfere unless it's a situation like this, it's not your time yet, I would love to keep you with me, but there's so much more for you still to do'

'But I've screwed up so much, after what I've done to him, Ray won't want anything to do with me, I can't make that right'

He closed his eyes as if in pain.

'I wouldn't be so sure of that' he turned her around so she was facing the OR observation room. Sitting there was Ray, in a wheelchair, his mother behind him. She didn't see Hope and Greg, her eyes could only see one person.

'He's here?' She looked at Michael with surprise and happiness in her eyes, and he knew he was doing the right thing even though it hurt.

'Yeah, he came back as soon as Abby called him, look at him, this is destroying him'

She did look at him, and her heart cracked even more than she thought was possible. He looked so small, like a little lost boy who didn't know how to get home. The grief in his eyes was indescribable 'what he said to you is killing him. You need to fight, he needs you'

'But so much has happened I don't know if we can make it'

'I won't say it's going to be easy, it won't be, but you two have to try, I can't see either of you being happy if you don't, you've got to fight for him'

He cupped her face again, leant in and gently touched her lips with his 'remember that I love you and I want you to be happy, like I said before go get married and have babies. It's not your time yet'

'Michael…' but he was gone.

One of the machines beside her prone self started to beep just as Crenshaw was about to remove the heart monitor.

**End Flashback**

_With her right hand she wipes another tear away_

**Do you believe it was really Michael?**

I don't know what to believe, I don't believe in life after death and for me to believe it was Michael I would need to. All I know is that after they pronounced me dead, after they'd been trying to revive me for so long with no heart rate, I came back. Lucien and Dustin can't explain it, they're adamant that what they witnessed happen couldn't possibly have happened. There's no medical explanation for it, so perhaps it was Michael, all I know is that I got a second chance that I really shouldn't have got, but you won't hear me complaining about it.

**Your injuries were pretty horrific, it was 24 hours before you woke, how did you feel when you finally did?**

_She gives a painful smile_

Ray says that I was attention seeking, being particularly cruel by coming back like that but then not giving the final push to wake up. But the more medical explanation is that my body was in shock, and its way of coping was to focus on the essentials, breathing, repairing. It wasn't fair on him, he wasn't in a much better state than I was, he shouldn't have been sitting there for that long, but he wouldn't leave, and if the situation had been reversed I wouldn't have left either.

When I woke I had no idea what had happened, as I've already said I still can't remember most of what happened that day, they say I probably never will, but I'm lucky; they said it was a miracle that that was the only memory I lost, they feared I would have severe brain damage. I was terrified, I didn't know where I was, what had happened, what had happened to Ray and when I tried to speak I couldn't. The neurologists are pretty certain that I had a stroke at some point during the incident, I had numbness in my left side, I couldn't move my arm, and I couldn't form words or sentences. I know Ray found it distressing, he said all he'd been waiting for was me to wake up, he'd never thought that that wouldn't be the end of it, but he was trying desperately hard to calm me, to reassure me that it would be okay. I didn't see how it could be.

It was a really dark time for us both, facing our own demons as well as each others. But I just kept remembering what Michael had said, and I knew I didn't want to be there without Ray. It was my motivation to keep fighting even on the days when all I wanted was for someone to give me an overdose of medication and end it there and then.

_She pulls back a bit, looking affronted, like she's been offended_

Don't give me that look; there were very black days, where if I'd been physically capable of it I would have done that. When you have to relearn the most basic things in life like talking, eating, moving, walking it's impossible not to have those days. I was lucky; it didn't take me too long to recover most of those skills.

_She bows her head but not before you see the tears reflecting in her eyes_

And I was luck that John, Dr Carter, took me back to the ER because with this…

_She raises her left arm with her right and you can visibly see it shaking_

…I'll never practise surgery again. My doctors say with time the shaking might go away, but I've still not got full feeling in it, don't get me wrong, I can use it but not for anything that requires strength, stability and accuracy, which is what surgery requires.

My right arm's a lot better than it was, it was fractured in seven places, and I'm the proud owner of a number of metal plates and pins, but it doesn't have the accuracy it used to either, but I can still tube a patient, and sew stitches, and there's always someone in the ER to help me on the bad days or with the things I can't do, I can't replace a dislocated hip or shoulder, I don't have the strength, but that's something I always struggled with, so there's not much change there. I'm lucky to have a job like that. I'm lucky that I'm still here.

_The tears are trickling down her cheeks_


	11. Interview Neela Rasgotra 3

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**From what we've seen you've changed a lot since the accident, would you agree?**

It made me really think about things in a way I hadn't since Michael died and I didn't like what I'd become. Tony called me narcissistic and he was right, I was. I wanted to feel like I was the centre of someone's world and it didn't really matter whose. And if it hadn't been for that neither Ray nor I would be where we are now. I realised that that wasn't who I was, I was using that persona as a mask to hide my grief and guilt over Michael, and the only time it slipped was when I was with Ray because he could see straight through it, I think that was one of the reasons why I kept pushing him away. But I couldn't dwell on the past, the battle I was fighting in the present was too much for that and I didn't have the energy or ability to be anyone other than who I really am.

**You ended up going to a rehab centre in Baton Rouge for your rehabilitation, how did that come about?**

I was in County for a couple of weeks after the accident. It was hard, my speech was so bad that for the first few weeks telephone calls between Ray and I were pretty one sided and I found that frustrating. My parents wanted me to go back to the UK so they could look after me, but I didn't want to be any further from Ray than I already was. It looked like there was no other option though, Abby had her own grief to deal with, so it looked like I would have to go back. Sam explained the situation to Ray one day, and he picked up from me how upset I was about it. I don't know how they managed it, but thanks to Lucien, Jacey, Sam and Ray, I got a place in a stroke rehab centre in Baton Rouge. And even though I was away from my friends, Ray was there and could visit whenever he wanted. He spent a lot of time with me between his physio and counselling sessions. I'd treated him so badly, but he was still there for me through it all, I felt I didn't deserve him, I still feel it at times, but he still loves me.

**You were with Ray the first time he walked in his prosthetics, how did that make you feel?**

I was so proud of him. He's been through so much and to see him achieve that was just amazing. For him it meant that he would still be able to everything he used to do, and though he'd been told that was the case I don't think he believed it until then. That wasn't the end of his struggle, it won't ever really end, but it was a major turning point, his dreams started to feel real again. And seeing him standing there in front of me, so proud and tall, it made me unbelievably happy, I believed that we could achieve whatever we wanted then. The resolve, courage and sheer determination it took for him to get there, and to get to where he is now is nothing short of amazing, I will never stop being proud of him, he's my hero.

_She gives a wry smile, as if embarrassed by what she's said_

**When did you two finally get together?**

There is no one definite date; we didn't go from being friends one day to being a couple the next. In reality I think we were probably together from the moment I woke up in County, but it wasn't something we discussed for a long time, it was more of a given. It didn't take me long to tell him I loved him, once I could physically form the words they were out there, we both knew how close we'd come to never being able to say it. I've heard people say that if you say it too much it loses its meaning, I don't agree, for us it was a reassurance that we weren't going through this alone. We went on our first date four months after I arrived in Baton Rouge. I was walking with a stick by then, and Ray had a pretty good command of his prosthetics so we were reasonably sure we would cope without Jacey. We saw a movie and shared some popcorn, it sounds so simple, but for both of us it was a major achievement to do it on our own. It was so nice to finally be on our own, which is a strange thing to say when we were surrounded by people, but none of them knew us, they weren't going to interrupt our time together. I was staying with Ray and Jacey by then, but even so it was difficult for us to have time to ourselves, she was always checking if there was anything we needed or wanted, it was very sweet and I can never repay her kindness towards me, but it was nice to finally be alone.

**Dr Carter came down to visit you both not long after that, were you surprised?**

Yes, I guess I was. I knew he was back in Chicago as he visited me before I left County, and we knew from Greg that he'd taken over as Chief but opening the door to find him standing there and hearing him offer us both positions in the ER, that was a shock. One of Ray's counsellors had arranged for him to work at one of the local hospitals, which he was enjoying, but he was desperate to get back to being an ER doctor, quite a turn around for the guy who a few years ago thought that being a doctor was an okay day job. He practically jumped at John's offer. I wasn't as ready, I was finding it hard to come to terms with never being a surgeon, and I wasn't sure if I was even capable of practising medicine again, but I knew I wanted to go back to Chicago, as much as I loved Baton Rouge, it was home. We spent a lot of time discussing it with each other, Jacey, our doctors, counsellors, friends, we were practically asking strangers in the street. But eventually we decided to give it a shot; we knew we could admit defeat and go back if necessary.

**What was it like coming back to Chicago?**

It was very strange. We had to find a new apartment, one with ramps for his wheelchair, and door handles that I could open, things we would never have considered before. When I moved in with Ray the first time all that mattered was that I could afford the rent, this time that was the least important factor. We had to deal with issues that most people our age don't have to consider for another 40 or 50 years. It took us a while but we found a great place, near the EL, and reasonably near County. It almost felt like I was leaving home for the first time, we'd always had this safety net of Jacey there if anything went wrong and here we where having to fend for ourselves. The first month was the hardest, Ray started back at County doing limited hours, he was enjoying being back in among it again but he was exhausted when he got home. I felt very isolated. But over time I started working again, and now, I'm glad to be home again.

**Do you think your relationship is strong enough to survive whatever else life throws at you?**

Do I think? I bloody well hope that life's going to be a bit kinder to us in the future! Being serious, yes I do. Between us we've been through a hell of a lot in the time we've known each other, and one of the consistent things has always been our friendship, even when I tried to push it away, it was too strong for me. With Ray's support I think I can get through most things, and I hope he feels the same. Finally admitting to myself and to him that I loved him was the most important thing I've ever done. He makes even my darkest days brighter, doing the simplest things with him, cuddling on the couch, watching a movie, eating take out, means more to me than diamond necklaces or 50ft yachts. I never used to believe that there was one person for everyone, but Ray is that to me, I can't imagine my life without him in it.

**So the future is rosy for you?**

_She smiles shyly and a blush rises up her face_

Yes, I hope so. I'm back working at County, which I love, I thought it would be hard being there and not working in Surgery but I'm really enjoying being back in the ER. Dr Carter has made it a great place to work and I'm even working on a proposal for a research project. I'm living with the man I'm in love with, again. I get to wake up and see his face in the morning, and I go to sleep in his arms at night. I expect life to throw us some more challenges but hopefully this time they'll be more enjoyable. It's never going to be easy but I wouldn't swap where I am now for anything in the world.


End file.
